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  I held the phone a few feet from my face and through narrowed eyes I read the name on the screen. Yep. Nolan.

  “How did you get my new number, Nolan?” I barked, my voice going to shrill and freaked out in seconds.

  “You underestimate me, darling. You forget who I am.”

  Pompous ass.

  “That’s impossible. You keep reminding me, Senator. And no, I don’t want to donate to your campaign, or whatever else you are calling about, so leave me the fuck alone.”

  “Eva, that’s not the way to talk to me.”

  “Listen, I’m tired and I have a headache. I’m not in the mood for bullshit.” I turned the tap off with one hand and stepped out of the shower.

  A low chuckle followed. “Still my fiery girl. God, I miss you. I’m sorry I fucked up. Really, I am. Let’s put it down to temporary insanity—”

  “Or you thinking with your small brain instead of your big brain,” I interjected. I pinched the phone between my ear and shoulder while I dried the rest of my body, rubbing vigorously the more frustrated I became.

  “See, that’s what I love about you. Always something smart to say.”

  Suppressing the urge to roll my eyes, I put on my most sarcastic tone. “It wasn’t meant to be funny, Nolan.”

  “I know.” He sounded dejected, and I actually nearly felt sorry for him. “I deserve that you’re punishing me . . . I even get why. But you’ve got to believe me when I tell you that shit is never going to happen again. I realize what a fool I’ve been, and I want you back. I’m prepared to take the punishment you’re dishing out—even watching you let another man fuck you, as hard as that was. But don’t you think that’s enough? Don’t you think it’s time we kiss and make up and fix this whole mess?”

  “Exactly what part of it is over don’t you understand?”

  A long, drawn-out silence followed. Maybe there is something wrong with my phone.

  I was just about to put the cell down when Nolan spoke again. His voice was decisive and cold, yet devoid of emotion.

  “It’s not over, Eva. Not until I say it is.”

  A chill ran up my spine. This was the side of Senator Parker that frightened me. How could I ever have thought I was in love with this man?

  “You only want me back because you think you’re missing out on something. But you’re not. We would never have made it as a couple. I didn’t see it at the time, but it’s glaringly obvious to me now.” I moved from the bathroom to the bedroom and opened a drawer from the dark wood chest of drawers to find sleepwear. “Move on. Find someone else. Women think you’re the shit; you shouldn’t have a problem finding a willing candidate to suck your dick.”

  “Yeah, I know. But none of them have your fire. No other woman is anything like you. After I’ve fucked them, they bore me. And you know how much I hate being bored.”

  I nearly laughed. Nearly. He wanted me back because I didn’t bore him? I’d smack myself on the head if I ever fell for a man that shallow again. Not once had he said anything about loving me. As usual, it was all about him—his likes and dislikes, his needs and wants.

  “Goodnight, Nolan. I’m ready for bed.” I squeezed the tube of toothpaste from the middle, exactly the way he hated, depositing a squiggly line of toothpaste onto the brush.

  “Wait. Don’t go.”

  I shoved the toothbrush into my mouth and started brushing.

  “What?” I asked, speaking with a mouth full of minty foam. I was well and truly over this conversation.

  “Give me another chance. Let me take you on a date tomorrow night.” Nolan had put on his most persuasive smooth and silky voice. How did I ever think it was fucking sexy?

  I spat the toothpaste out and rinsed my mouth. Tired and irritated, I raised my voice. “I’m going to say this one last time, so listen very carefully. We. Are. Over. Done. Finished.”

  Heavy breathing came at me down the line.

  Frustrated, I threw the phone against the wall, letting it smash to the floor.

  Wrong man. Wrong everything.

  Chapter 24 — Harrison

  At first I wanted to tell Bill to go fuck himself. So I did.

  It didn’t make me feel any better. By some fucking cruel miracle, I’d made it home in one piece. That’s how much God hated me; I couldn’t even get myself wrapped around a fucking pole and put an end to my miserable fucking life.

  Stumbling through the darkness, I bumped into several pieces of furniture before I fell face down onto my bed. So many thoughts raced through my intoxicated brain that I had a hard time shutting up the voices.

  You fool. What made you ever think you were good enough for a woman like Eva?

  What kind of man are you?

  I don’t want you anywhere near my daughter.

  What kind of man are you?

  Eva deserves to be happy. She doesn’t need a loser like you in her life.

  What kind of man are you?

  Round and round it went, driving me to the brink of insanity.

  Billy Boy was right. I had no business going after a woman like Eva. No business screwing up her life. No business wanting her as much as I did.

  I rolled off the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. As I took a piss, I glared at the reflection of a harrowed face staring back at me.

  What happened to the young man with stars in his eyes and love in his heart? The man who had dreams for a bright and happy future? I’d lost him a long, long time ago. Tried to ignore him, disown him . . . kill him.

  But I’d failed. Somewhere deep inside the darkest corners of my fucking soul, he was still alive. He refused to be put down like a rabid dog. However small, the flicker of his light kept burning; he kept hoping that someday I’d wake up and realize life did indeed go on.

  Persistent little fuck. He never gave up hope that someday I’d be saved.

  I laughed. Loud.

  Wasn’t it fucking ironic that just as I’d worked out that I wanted—no, needed—the woman who’d nearly saved my fucking depraved soul from damnation, I’d also worked out that I didn’t deserve her. She was better off without a screwed up motherfucker like me in her life.

  I kicked off my shoes, ripped off my jeans and shirt, and got under the shower. Scalding hot water burned my skin, but I loved the pain. Pain was the only way I really knew I was indeed still alive.

  Letting the water flow over me, I flinched. My skin felt as if it was burning up alive. My dick ached from where Eva had bitten it, her teeth marks still visible on the smooth skin as a reminder that it was she who owned me. My hand rubbed over the small indentations at the base of my neck where she had also left her mark.

  God, how fucking alive I’d felt while she’d used my body to free herself from her pain. For once, I’d felt light and useful.

  I sank down into the corner of the cubicle and let the water jet down on me. It was this or a bottle of Jack.

  I sat there until the water ran cold. Funny how the icy water stung my skin worse than the scalding hot stream did. My dick had shriveled up, hiding from the world and me in shame.

  Was this really what I’d become? A heartless fucker who didn’t care about anyone, not even himself? A man who’d caused the death of two unborn babies, who would never get to suck air into their lungs? A man who hadn’t been able to save the girl he loved?

  I didn’t deserve to live. And I definitely didn’t deserve to love.

  Or be loved.

  For how long I sat there, I had no idea. Eventually my teeth chattered so hard that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. My skin had wrinkled like that of the old man I felt like deep inside.

  Staggering toward my bed, I heard the familiar ringtone I had set especially for Eva’s calls. I wanted to dive for the phone so I could hear her sweet voice. I needed her to tell me everything was going to be okay. But I just let it ring out, stuck underneath a pile of clothes in the bathroom. My heart—and everything inside me—ached like a motherfucker. Letting go was so much harder than I’d imagined
. Even if she wouldn’t let me fuck her ever again, just holding Eva all night long would be enough.

  I'd never felt like this before. Not even with Amy. It was fucking with my mind. But most of all, it was fucking with my heart.

  This pain. This torturing pain. It meant I was still alive.

  I wanted it to stop. The pain. The torture.

  To stop forever.

  I was so fucking tired.

  Tired to the fucking bone.

  Tired of everything.

  I drifted into a deep sleep but not before the familiar ringtone called to me again and again and again.

  Eva.

  Eva.

  Eva.

  Chapter 25 – Harrison

  Three days later

  Dragging myself into the office after yet another sleepless night, I kept my sunglasses on to temper the glaring light. My head pounded like a motherfucker.

  “You look like shit,” Callahan, my boss, A.K.A. Dirty Harry said, as I slumped into the chair across from his desk.

  “Yeah,” agreed Savage.

  “Since when is this a fucking beauty pageant? You called me to come in to the office today, and here I am. Who gives a fuck what I look like?”

  My boss cleared his throat. “Have you been binge drinking again? He leaned forward in his chair, his hands clasped on the papers in front of him. He peered over the glasses that had slipped forward off the bridge of his nose. “I thought you gave that shit up when you got mixed up with Eva.”

  Dirty Harry was getting old. I’d never noticed it before today.

  “Ahhh, does a leopard ever change his spots? That’s the real question, huh?” Sarcasm was the lowest form of wit, but I didn’t care. I was at such a down point that it was all I could muster. The fucker had no idea what it felt like to lose your woman. He’d been happily married for more than twenty years—what would he know about my life?

  “Seems you always revert back to booze when something goes wrong,” Savage accused me. Christ. Usually he was on my side, but clearly that wasn’t the case today.

  Dirty Harry lifted a brow and gave me a hard, penetrating look. “Well, guess what? You’re going to have to clean up your act. The two of you have been sent on a special mission to Afghanistan. You leave in four hours. Get your shit together, and be ready to ship out as instructed.”

  I drew in a sharp breath. It hurt my fucking head even more. Ripping off my sunglasses, I jumped to my feet and grabbed the papers he was holding out of his hands.

  “Let me see that. Who the fuck gave these orders?” This shit was the last fucking thing I needed. My gaze ran over the signatures. All the right ones were there. Some secret fucking mission I was supposed to feel honored being chosen for.

  “What’s your problem, man? Didn’t you say a few months ago that you wanted to go kick some ass? This is your chance . . . our chance.” Savage looked at me, shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe that I wasn’t overjoyed.

  I groaned. “That was a long time ago. Now I have other things weighing on my mind.”

  “Christ, Harrison, you can’t let one pussy get you going all fucking soft. You’re the best man for this mission. That’s why you and Savage have been requested.”

  A bitter laugh escaped my lips. “Yeah? Why now? This sounds like a crock of shit to me.”

  Callahan sighed heavily. “There you go again. You and your conspiracy theories. Maybe it has to do with the fact that you have such an unfathomable fucking death wish, and you’re the only fucker who doesn’t care if he gets blown up on a mission as long as you stop the bad guys. Maybe that’s why they chose you. You’re like a fucking cat with nine lives.”

  I smirked. “What if I don’t want to go? What if I’ve had enough of those kinds of missions? The ones where I never know if I’m going to get out of it alive?”

  Savage narrowed his eyes as he scrutinized my face. “I don’t fucking believe it. You—”

  “What?” I snarled.

  “You poor fucker. You’ve fallen for the girl. It’s not just her pussy you’re after, you’ve actually gone and fallen in love with her.”

  “Don’t be fucking ridiculous. We’re not speaking and I don’t even know where the hell she is. It has nothing to do with love.”

  “Fuck me. In all the years I’ve known you, all the years you’ve worked for me, you’ve been a stubborn pain in the fucking ass. I never imagined I’d see the day when Harrison fucking Summers fell in love and wanted to turn down a job like this—the kind he used to breathe for.”

  I held up my hand. “Guys. Stop talking shit. There is nothing between us. She’ll probably end up as the fucking senator’s wife soon, so stop carrying on about shit you know nothing about.”

  “You never told me she broke it off with you.” Savage folded his arms across his chest and gave me the narrowed-eyed look of superiority.

  “Maybe because it’s none of your fucking damn business.”

  “Still doesn’t mean you haven’t fallen for her. I know the signs, buddy; you can’t fool me.”

  I’d had enough. “Savage. Get the fuck off my back about this. I saw how you were eye-fucking Jessica.”

  My partner’s jaw locked as he went pale. Yeah, just as I’d thought. He was still soft on the blonde after all these years. Savage needed the fucking diversion.

  I smirked at him. “Have you packed your bags yet? Seems we’re flying outta here in a few short hours.” My mind warred against itself. As much as I didn’t want to leave, what did I have to lose? “Maybe it’s the best thing that could’ve happened to me right now. Maybe I need some fucking action to clear this fucked up brain of mine.”

  “Ahhh, so you are admitting—”

  I completely lost my shit. “Dude, shut the fuck up. Save your smartass for the mission,” I snarled with a raised voice.

  But as always, Savage didn’t know when to shut the fuck up. “Yeah, seems like this time I’ll have to keep you alive. I think you’ve run out of luck and used up all nine lives already. Too bad.”

  Too bad?

  Yeah, maybe dying was better than this misery I was living through. Maybe death would be a relief, and my tormented fucking soul could finally get some rest.

  Maybe this mission was exactly what I needed. It was one way to stop thinking about Eva if I were six foot under.

  Chapter 26 — Eva

  With a sharp click I locked the door behind me, but it was only when I turned around that I sensed that someone was in the apartment. Usually Miu-miu waited for me at the entrance and greeted me with a friendly bark and wagging tail when I got back from a night out. I hadn’t felt like going out, but the girls had nagged me, saying I couldn’t stay home on a Saturday night moping over a man.

  My heart pounded in my chest as I called to the dog. She barked excitedly but didn’t come to me. “Baby, where are you?”

  With my hand on my throat, I rounded the corner to the lounge.

  “Nolan!”

  My heart raced as I took him in, leaning against the wall in the semi-darkened room, Miu-miu tucked under his arm and wagging her tail. The half-smile on his lips was a cross between a snarl and smirk. It was the look he wore when he was really pissed off.

  “You scared me.” I gasped. “What are you doing here? How the hell did you get in?”

  His tie was undone, dangling around his neck, and his shirtsleeves rolled up. He didn’t look the part of the immaculate senator I was used to. Ice cubes clinked against crystal as he slammed a glass down on the table. I jumped at the aggressiveness of his action. He reeked of alcohol as wafts of his breath floated toward me.

  “Darling, see what a mess I am? It's all your fault. Now you’ve sold our place—” He pointed his index finger at me while gripping the bourbon bottle tightly with the others. I moved toward him to grab the dog, but he took a step backward so I couldn’t reach her.

  Bristling, I pushed my chin forward. “My place. I had it before you moved in, remember?” I scowled. Tired from the night ou
t, I just wanted to get my dog away from him and get into bed. Within a day I’d be gone from the apartment for good, and I couldn’t wait to start fresh.

  “You haven’t answered my question.” I huffed with my hands on my hips. “And put Miu-miu down. Now.”

  He ignored my demand to free the dog. Instead he gave me a cheesy grin as he dangled keys in front of me. “I got them from the real estate agent.”

  “What? How?”

  Like the smart woman I was, I’d changed all the locks after I’d kicked Nolan out.

  “I'm the new owner, my darling. I bought the place in a new trust I set up. You didn’t really think anyone sane would pay that ridiculous asking price, did you?” He laughed, hard and cold.

  “Still, I don’t understand why they would give you a key before I’ve moved out. Closing the deed transfer at the lawyers is next weekend as arranged.”

  “You seem to have forgotten how persuasive I can be. And how trustworthy.” He puffed out his chest with pride, believing his own bullshit.

  “What do you want, Nolan? It's still my place, and I want you out of here.”

  He scowled at me, as if that was the dumbest question he’d ever heard. “I want you, pretty baby. I've always wanted you.”

  “Well you shouldn’t have screwed that piece of ass who works for you then, should you?” I took a small step closer to him to try and reach Miu-miu without him noticing.

  His mouth turned upside-down. “I told you that was a . . . mistake. Don’t be so hard on me. I said I’m sorry—what more do you want.”

  I shook my head. “Sorry doesn’t cut it. It wasn’t just once. Before her it was the redhead.”

  He swallowed hard. “You know about her?”

  “Yes. But I really don’t care about any of that anymore. A few months ago it hurt. But I’m over it now . . . I’m over you. So I suggest you get your sorry drunken ass out of my apartment before I call the cops.”

  Nolan laughed. “You’re so cute when you get angry.” He wagged a finger at me as if I were a naughty child. “And it’s no use calling that new boyfriend of yours. I have plans for us . . . and for him. He won’t bother us much longer.”